The Life of Orochimaru
by ucmonsters
Summary: Orochimaru has always been considered an evil pshycotic madman and well... he is. But maybe you'll see him in a different light when the story is explained from his point of view.
1. The Calming Before the Storm

A/N: I got this idea out of nowhere and I decided to write it out while I'm figuring what to do for my other story. Anyways, I'm not really good at writing humor so plz don't flame me... everybody's gotta start somewhere.

_**The Life of Orochimaru:**_

Today was an unconditionably boring day so I decided to take out one of my books to read. By the way, my name is Orochimaru and I like butter cookies. Anyways, while I was searching through my ever so impressive collection of books, I realized something. I needed new books... or to be more truthful, I realized that I needed _a_ book.

So, I headed towards a nearby book-store and managed to get there surprisingly, without any inconvenience what so ever which is very strange because I'm very popular.

As I entered, my jaw dropped to the floor. The store was like a glorious sanctuary of golden oppertunity. Books of all kinds and color were sitting side by side. Each and every book stood out in it's own way and I was dazzled by such beauty. I didn't know which book to choose from. They were all so, so, so magnificant.

Then suddenly, a beam of sunlight came and struck a single book on the top shelf. Immedietly, I knew that it was the one. Heck, I could even hear it calling my name. _Oro, Oro-kun..._

"Oro, Oro-kun? Can I help you?" I snapped back to reality and saw a store employee standing infront of me. I was kind of pissed because she had called me 'Oro' but since I was in such a good mood for the time being, I decided to let it go.

"Uhh, I'd like to take that book," I said pointing towards 'the book' on the top shelf.

"Sure," the store employee replied as she retrieved the book and handed it over to me.

I reached into my pocked to get some money out when the employee spoke up.

"Don't worry, first timers get their books free," the employee said randomly.

"Oh, O.K," I replied and was about to leave when I noticed Jiraiya looking through a section of the store. So, seeing as he was my team-mate and all, I decided to go and greet him.

"Jiraiya," I said from behind him.

He jumped from shock and I noticed his face was very red. What's with him?

"Umm, hey Oro," Jiraiya said as he slowly regained composture. "I didn't know you were into these things as well."

"Huh?" I was confused and annoyed. Confused because I had no idea what Jiraiya was talking about and annoyed... well, you should know by now... because I hate.... no, because I _ever so strongly disliked_ being called Oro. I'm not saying I hate it because, frankly, 'hate' is a very strong word.

"Hey, since we're both into this stuff, how 'bout we share?" Jiraiya asked me.

I still didn't know what he was talking about but I had a sneaky suspision that he was up to no good. Then again, I've always had suspisions about the craziest things... like me one day becoming an evil pshycotic madman. Haha, can you believe someone like me, become that? Hahaha, the day one of Jiraiya's future students become Hokage before me I will. Hahaha...

I quickly snapped out of my thought and decided I wanted to go home and read my book while eating some oh so delicious butter cookies. But in order to do that, I'll have to ditch Jiraiya even though I was the one who approached him in the first place... but that's besides the point.

"Uh, I got to go," I said bluntly.

"You don't have to be embarressed Oro," Jiraiya said, grinning.

I twitched at the sound of my nickname. "Whatever," I replied cooly and left just like that before I could do anything deadly.

As opposed to the coming trip, I recieved many greetings on my trip home. I _ever so strongly disliked_ it... they always called me Oro. When I become Hokage, I'll make sure everyone calls me Orochimaru. That is my dream.

"Hi Oro," somebody said as I walked by.

My fists clenched and I tried to calm myself down. "Hey," I replied as I fastened my walking pace.

However, I was greeted by another person. "Hey Oro, sup?"

"Hey," I replied, gritting my teeth. I think I looked obviously pissed right now because the person who greeted me immedietly left in a hurry.

"Heya Oro!" exclaimed another person.

These people just have to piss me off so. I was ready to rip heads off. But, seeing as I didn't want to ruin my reputation, I decided to sprint home right now before I went berserk. However, I guess I somehow snapped before I could...

"DON'T CALL ME THAT!" I hissed at the top of my lungs and smashed the floor. My hands kinda hurt from doing so but I ignored it because I was officially pissed off right now!

The person who just addressed me shivered in fear and backed away. "Um, I'll be going now, Orochimaru."

"You better," I muttered as he left. It took me a while to calm down. I swear, if one day I ever become an evil phsycotic madman, it'll be these people's fault. I mean, how hard is it to just not call me that?! Sure, I never told them that I didn't like it but I'm preeetty sure it's obvious that I don't like being called Oro.

Soon, I noticed something... did he just call me Orochimaru? Why though? What did I do differently? Hmm, maybe it was because I went berserk. Yes, it must be because he was**_ scared _**of me...


	2. Truths About My Teamates

A/N: I guess I will be continuing this because it's my most successful story so far... cough. Then again, sometimes it's good to leave a good title the way it is. Well, there's not much actual plot in this but it would be useful to help set up future chapters. But, N E wayz, here is the chapter:

_**The Life of Orochimaru:**_

Here I am currently sitting at my desk reading a book, when suddenly, for some random reason, I decided to check the time. Immedietly, I noticed that it was 11:24, nighttime. Ssssoooooo, I began to prepare for my daily 11:30 p.m activity. What kind of activity could it be? No, it's nothing inappropriate if that's what you're thinking. Well, not nessessarily appropriate either but thats besides the point... I think.

Anyways, I picked up my trusty ink pen and then took out a book labled _Butter Cookies_. And no, I do not eat books. I flipped to the nearest blank page and began writing. 'June 17, Age 10... Today, I bought my very first novel book. It was a most fabulous event beyond comparison. I memorized every single moment of it, which wasn't very long so it was easy to remember... and thus, I came up with a second solution to the whole nickname thing.'

I was at last satisfied with the entry and put my trusty ink pen down. Sure, many people would at first _think_ this a diary, BUT, it isn't and will not be. Anyone who possess some sort of intelligence would know that this is actually a _historical recording of the future Yondaime!_... who shall be called Orochimaru!

Anyways, I proceeded to put _Butter Cookies _back to it's original spot on the desk and went to bed.

The next day, I awoken to the sound of tapping on my window. Being the anti-lazy person I am, I immedietly sat up on my bed and was about to see who was tapping the window when I realized the person, who is a ninja, was already standing _in _my room. Not only was the person, well, you know... there, but the person was also a female.

I was just about to freak out like an orangutan... no offense to any animal lovers or highly intelligent orangutans who may be reading this. P ...when I remembered that I was supposed to be 'cool' to keep my popularity rating up. That was so I recieve more respect when I become Hokage. And because of that, I just calmly spoke instead. "What is it"

"Hokage-sama wants to see you" the kunoichi said bluntly.

"O.K" I replied as I waited for the kunoichi to get out. She didn't, so we ended up just looking blankly at each other while converting oxygen to carbon dioxide.

After a few awkward minutes, she finally made a move. But it wasn't out the window, no, she had to be nosy and search around my desk for some random reason.

I cleared my throat to get her attention but she ignored it. So, as a more effective method I decided to say something.

However, just as I was about to speak, the kunoichi picked up _Butter Cookies _and said something extremely random. "All this time when you say 'I'm going home to eat butter cookies' you actually eat this book"

O.K... "No, I just decided to lable the book after what I love to eat the most" I replied in a semi-annoyed tone. "Besides, do you see any bite marks"

She nodded in acknowledgement as she flipped through the pages.

What the fbeeeeeeeeep! Why is she looking through **my **diary!... erm, _historical recording_!

I saw the kunoichi's expression fill with utter shock and fear. Her jaw practically dropped to the floor, gaping wide open as she GOLed (gasped out loud). I knew what was coming next as she spoke. "Holy fbeeeeeeeeeeping shbeeeeep! **You** keep a diary! **You**! **The **genius Orochimaru! The child that even jounins idolize"

I was speechless for a moment if not several. How can someone even think, that I, the future Yondaime who shall be called Orochimaru, keep a diary! Anyways, what did I tell ya? People always at first _think _it's a diary, which it isn't. But back to reality. What should I say? How did I get into this situation? It was after a few more minutes of thought that I decided I had nothing to be embarrassed about. Afterall, it **wasn't **a diary. It was a historical recording, HISTORICAL RECORDING! Also, note to self-Jounins idolize me! I didn't know I kicked so much ass! Keep up the good work-

But anyways, back to the main point: I decided to tell the kunoichi that it's not a diary. And so, I said"It's not a diary."

I noticed she was still in a strange standing coma, so I decided to add a few more explainations. "Just because it **seems** like a diary, doesn't mean you should jump to conclusions."

The kunoichi's mouth was still gaping and I could tell she still didn't believe me.

I shook my head with a sigh. "It's a historical recording... HISTORICAL RECORDING" I exclaimed in a pretty scary tone if I don't say so myself. I've been practicing.

That seemed to finally snap something as the kunoichi jerked and began nodding her head in understanding. "Ooohhhhhhhh..."

"Yaahhh..." I answered. She wasn't scared! 'Oh well, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again'.

"I'm so sorry about that misunderstanding" the kunoichi apologized.

"It's O.K" I said in response. With that, the kunoichi FINALLY, left.

I sighed and went to close the window. As I looked out, I could've sworn I saw the kunoichi start running like mad in circles and repeatedly say"OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG! OMG" But... I chose to ignore it as my fragment of imagination seemed to be acting up pretty often lately. For example: not too long ago, when I broke into Jiraiya's house to get some food, I could've sworn I saw a whole pile of adult magazines in the fridge. I mean, come on, adult magazines in the fridge! Something as ludicrous as that could only be a part of the imagination.

Anyways, after a few minutes of preparation, I went off to see Sarutobi-sensei.

I entered the Hokage office and noticed Sarutobi-sensei was busy with somebody. So, as I was waiting, I just looked around the Hokage office and planned in my head how I was going to re-decorate the room. It wasn't as if I had anything against Sarutobi-sensei's taste of style or anything but it's just that I have other preferences.

Around ten minutes passed and I was still waiting. I looked towards the botanic plant beside me. Such a pity. The stupid, sense-lacking plant could do nothing but photosynthesize all day while oblivious to the social life around it. It was also such a loner... sitting by itself. It was best to stay away from the plant as my reputation could be ruined if I hanged around such an anti-social thing. But, I wasn't the kind of person to do that. I actually kind of prefered loners who have been rejected by others.

But anyways, I continued to wait for Sarutobi-sensei.

At long last, after twenty more minutes, the jounin talking to Sarutobi-sensei left.

"Ah, Orochimaru, I have something to talk to you about" Sarutobi-sensei stated in an authoritive tone.

"What is it" I asked as I walked up to him.

"I heard from reliable sources that you freaked out yesterday and smashed the main road" Sarutobi-sensei responded.

"Uh..." I said in mono-tone.

"Has something been going wrong" he asked me.

"Well" I thought for a moment before I continued"I'm kind of annoyed of being called by my nickname all the time" I answered.

"You mean Oro" Sarutobi-sensei continued to ask.

My lower left eyelid twitched and he understood.

"But Jiraiya and Tsunade has been calling you this since forever" he said. "Well, I guess we'll need to get Jiraiya and Tsunade in about this."

"O.K" I replied.

"Oh yah, rumor has it that you eat books and keep a diary" Sarutobi-sensei said. "Is this true"

Where did he hear that"No, I don't eat books and no it's not a diary..." I answered.

"Oh, I see, historical recoring" Sarutobi-sensei asked.

"Exactly" I replied happily. I knew someone as smart as Sarutobi-sensei would realize it's a _historical recording_.

Anyways, after Sarutobi-sensei ordered some commands, Jiraiya was brought into the room.

"Ah, Jiraiya, I have something to talk to you about" said Sarutobi-sensei.

"What is it" my teammate responded.

"I'll tell you after Tsunade is here" Sarutobi-sensei replied.

Not long later, Tsunade was brought in.

"Ah, Tsunade, I have something to talk to you about" Sarutobi-sensei said predictively.

And also predictively, Tsunade responded with a"What is it"

"Well, it seems you guys don't know each other as well as I hoped" Sarutobi-sensei stated. "So, each of you will take turns in telling what you think about each other and then, you'll tell about yourself after everyone's finished. Orochimaru will go first."

"Uh... for Tsunade, I think she is strong, talented and a nice person" I said. "She dislikes pre-determined things and instead likes gambling very much but she kinda st... um... yah" I concluded before Tsunade got mad at what I was going to say next.

"For Jiraiya, I think he is talented, very energetic and very positive" I continued. "He dislikes perverted things and likes to read books."

For some reason, Tsunade gave me a sarcastic look. I merely shrugged as Sarutobi-sensei told Jiraiya to go next.

"For Oro..." I twitched a little as Jiraiya continued. "I think he is talented, positive, and an overall genius. He dislikes being bad at something and likes butter cookies and his nickname Oro." I twitched even more.

"Tsunade-chan is talented, kind, caring, cute and attractive" Jiraiya said. "She doesn't like perverts, pre-determined things, and anything bitter. She likes gambling, fighting, training, and prefers talent over strength. However, she stinks at gambling and gets pissed off really easily."

Wow, Jiraiya knows alot more about Tsunade than I do. Heck, he put my answer to shame.

The next turn belonged Tsunade who seemed really angry at what Jiraiya said about her. However, she seemed to lose the anger as she began to speak. "I think Oro-kun is smart, handsome, talented, strong, caring, sensitive when need be, positive, always has the right answer, fast both mentally and physically, mysterious in good ways..."

She continued on and on as my expression basically went Oo. Now, as much as I liked compliments, there is a thing as too much. Heck, even my anger from being called Oro was completely wiped out by the sheer and utter shock.

I noticed Jiraiya cocked an eyebrow also... well at least he tried to anyways, but since he wasn't as talented as me, he ended up raising both eyebrows and making an OO expression instead.

Tsunade finished the first part of her essay on me and proceeded to the next part. "He likes... dislikes... and is rumored to eat books..."

My shock slowly diminished throughout the ever long speech and was replaced by annoyance at the end. Who the hell started this rumor about me eating books? I'll murder them for that... but I don't mean it literally though.

Anyways, Tsunade began her speech about Jiraiya. "Jiraiya well, as much as he is a positive guy, he's a freakin' perverted pervert. I mean who the fffff..." Everyone GOLed. "beeeeeeeeeeep keeps adult magazines in their fridge"

I stared blankly for a while until it sank in. Ohhhhh myyy goddddddd! It wasn't my imagination! It's a fridge for goodness sakes! A FRIDGE! You just don't keep adult magazines in a FRIDGE! And of all people, Jiraiya!

Everyone seemed to stare wide-eyed at me. Did I just say that out loud?

"Orochimaru-kun... your eyes..." Tsunade said.

"What" I shouted very loudly as I was still in 'OMG my best friend keeps prn in his fridge' mode.

"Your eyes... they're gone..." Tsunade said wickedly.

"What are you talking about, I can see perfectly" I said. However, a sharp pain struck my eyes and I went blind. "AHHHH"

Suddenly, I woke up in a hospital bed with my sensei and teammates around me.

I asked the first question that anyone who suddenly found themselves in a hospital bed would ask. "What happened"

"You fainted from shock Orochimaru" Sarutobi-sensei said.

"Oh" I replied.

A/N: I know, stupid ending but it was a quick way to end the conversation. Just incase you don't really understand, Orochimaru fainted and started hallucinating after he thought 'And of all people, Jiraiya!'


	3. The Mother of All Toe Stubs

A/N: Not much reviews this time but oh well. Writing can only improve one's skills.

**__**

The Life of Orochimaru:

It is around 7:30 P.M and I'm on my way home from the hospital. My team and I didn't continue with the getting to know each other lesson because I'm still coping with the shock and all. I still couldn't believe that Jiraiya was a pervert. He hid it so well...

I remebered the good memories we used to have. Soon, the images in my mind started growing lighter and lighter until it was white and I realized I was about to be struck with flashbacks. Which is what happened.

-

"You lose this one," I said to Jiraiya.

"Thats what you think," he smirked and was surrounded by a puff of smoke.

The smoke not long after cleared and Jiraiya still standing there.

"Uh... I meant to do that," Jiraiya said.

"Sure," I replied.

Then, Jiraiya being the stubborn person he was, threw a shuriken at me.

Like it would actually hit. I merely side-stepped and waited for the shurken to pass me when I realized there was a rabbit behind me. Seeing as I didn't want the rabbit to be killed, I reacted rationally and put my arm between the shuriken's path. Blood gashed out of my hand and I covered it up.

"Hey, are you O.K?" Jiraiya asked like a normal person should ask if his teammate was bleeding profusely. He started walking towards me.

"Yah, just a small cut," I responded, even though it wasn't small at all but it's not like it really hurts THAT much. This pain pales in comparison to accidentally stubbing a toe... or a paper cut. Now those, hurt like hell. It's like pain that you can never be prepared for no matter how strong you become.

Speaking of stubbing a toe, I heard Jiraiya scream in pain. Apparently, he had somehow stubbed his toe on a big moss covered rock that was camouflaged in the grass. He immedietly started hopping on one foot while grabbing the other with his hand. "Oh god! It hurts! It hurts like stubbing you toe! Ahhh! It hurts! GOD! Somebody help!"

Hopping around and around, Jiraiya somehow stubbed his other foot onto another rock and he fell to the ground in even more pain then before. "AHHHHH! Beeping rocks! I'll get you one day! I'll get you! Watch! I'll wage war on the Hidden Rock! And I'll destroy them! Then you'll see who's better! You'll see! HAHAHA...OW!"

I sighed. It seems as though Jiraiya, while he was rolling on the floor, once again managed to bump his head on yet another rock.

"Curse you all! You will burn! Even if you aren't flammable! You will burn!"

-

Well, that wasn't really a good memory but oh well. Just as I was about to proceed, another flashback started reappearing.

-

"Come on Jiraiya," I said. "Learn this thing before sun down or we'll both lose the bet."

"I don't think I can do this," Jiraiya complained as he was trying to perform the Kuchiyose no Jutsu.

I shook my head and gave a word of the wise. "Remember Jiraiya, 'If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.'"

"I'll remember that," Jiraiya thanked. "That reminds me. There's no need to worry. No matter how slim the chances of us winning are, it doesn't really matter cause Tsunade never wins."

"You're right," I replied. "Let's just take a nap then."

"Sure why not," Jiraiya shrugged and we both fell asleep.

After who knows how long, I woke up, and slowly opened my eyes. I regained focus and saw Jiraiya standing beside a relatively large toad. "Wow, how'd you learn it?" I asked.

"It came to me in a dream," Jiraiya responded.

"Alright, it really works," I said. "Now we'll learn hundreds of jutsus and become legendary in no time."

Jiraiya and I slapped a high five.

-

Now that, was a good flashback. Reminds me of how I learned my Kuchiyose no Jutsu.

Anyways, I soon reached my house and realized the door was locked. So what did I do? I took out a key and unlocked it of course.

I then entered and went to my fridge to get something to eat. As, I opened the fridge door, I felt the cool refreshing breeze come on to me. I was very relaxed as I reached my hand in and searched for something random to eat. But what do ya know? The fridge is empty. So, I, as an anti-lazy person, decided to go to the super market and do some grocery shopping.

Just as I took a step towards the door, I felt an excruciating pain surge throughout one of my toes. "OH MY GOD!" I shouted very loudly. I soon fell to the ground and immedietly realized that such pain can only be caused by stubbing a toe. Heck, this wasn't just any toe stub, this was the mother of all toe stubbings. As I rolled on the floor in unbearable pain, I wondered: Why! Why did fate bestow such pain upon me? What did I do to deserve this? I was always a good boy. Never complaining and always doing good deeds for the benefit of others. But why then? Why is it that I am the one to suffer?

Several seconds passed and the throbbing pain didn't go away. I could feel tears threatening to stream out of my eyes but I fought it back. More seconds passed as the oh so immense pain was not detering. This is treachery! I have never done something that bad to deserve this pain. Even though I understood the harshness of life, this is just too much. No man should ever deserve to suffer like so.

At last, 15 seconds passed and the pain finally subsided. I nearly cried in joy. I have gone through what is considered the most painful suffering in the world. I felt like I could take on the world. No pain, shock, disappointment or any other test life has to offer me will deter me ever again. Not even the fact that Jiraiya is a pervert.

However, I still needed to recover from the injury. So, ignoring my hunger of not eating for the many hours I was in the hospital. I decided to go to bed. I kept my eyes on the ground as I carefully headed towards my bedroom. I took one step... everything was fine. I took a second one... still fine. And then a third step... and, I looked forward to see the wall right in front of me. I nearly lost all my balance and was almost stubbed my toe against the wall, but luckily, I managed to regain balance. I was now sweating. Sure, I had said that I was ready to take on the world, but not enough to take on another toe stub. At long last, I managed to reach my bed safe and sound and I went to sleep.

A/N: To any Jiraiya fans who are mad at me for writing him getting owned by rocks and all: Please don't flame me. Flame the rocks instead. I'm sure Jiraiya would appreciate it.


	4. Random Issues

A/N: Even though I'm sure you're all tired of the toe stub scenes by now, this chapter will still have one more toe stubbing for the sole reason of developing a plot. Please bear with me... or not...

Random Comment: I really hate it when the quick editor messes up my grammar/punctiationsfor no apparent reason. Anyone know how to stop it?

**__**

The Life of Orochimaru:

Oh no! Something really horrible has happened! I forgot to add an entry to my _historical recording _yesterday! And it was such an eventful day too!

I was in my washroom brushing my teeth when I realized the disaster. It is just horrible, as though the nature of the Universe has become sickly twisted. I stared at the mirror and paniced, thinking of a plan. I could write the entry today, but it was bad to do such a thing as it would be time-wisely illogical.

Then, an evil smirk crept across my face. No one has to know that I was being time-wisely illogical... Muhuhuhahahahaha!

Suddenly, I noticed the mirror and saw the diabolical expression on my face. I immedietly jerked my head and almost fell backwards. Wow... I actually scared myself by looking in the mirror. I've only been practicing for 3 days and I'm already that good... er... scary. Although I wonder why I couldn't scare that kunoichi last time.

I took one last look at my evil smirk and turned away. Shivers were sent down through my spine. Definetly creepy.

Anyways, I washed my hands and turned the doorknob, which infact didn't turn because my fingers were wet and you know, there's no friction. Seeing that, I dried my hands on a towel and then flung open the washroom door and... oh no... this was not good... I looked down down at my feet and realized that I was in for another world of suffering.

Thirty minutes of pain that could not be put into words passed by and I was left battered and broken on the shiny, clean, and spotless washroom floor. For all those wondering, I wash my floors with 'Mr. Clean'. It works quite well unlike a certain product that rhymes with 'Tilex'. Anyways, where was I? Oh yah, lying on the floor with a near broken toe of which was caused by a really powerful toe stub. I slowly got up and cursed fate for punishing me with such pain. It was unholy. Unfair... My life was always unfair. I am always the one to do good deeds yet I suffer the most. Being good makes no difference at all. I should just do things my way. It was just unfair... unfair I say! I was quickly consumed by the angst within me and I got all angsty, hatin', and all that other stuff that has to do with angst. However, I was able to fight back my inner demon, and the hate within me slowly faded away... but only for now. That is why I decided that I needed to talk to someone. To tell them my feelings and ask for advice to cope with the current events.

First I went berserk. Then wierd rumors began spreading about me. Next I find out an awful truth about Jiraiya. After that, I was hit with the mother of all toe stubs. And now, the BIG BIG Daddy of all toe stubs. To top it all, people are STILL calling me 'Oro'. All I know is that these past three days have been very awful. So I definetly needed to talk to someone... but who?

Jiraiya, I can't go to because he is somewhat part of my problems. And not Sarubobi-sensei either because I shouldn't bother the Hokage, even if he is my sensei, with my personal problems. That is not what a ninja should do... so that leaves me with Tsunade. I sighed and then CAREFULLY left the house seeing as I didn't want to stub my toe, again.

Around half an hour later, I found myself infront of Tsunade's door. I hesitated before I knocked and contempted whether or not this was the right decision. I stood there deep in thought. Realizing it was all for the best, I knocked the door.

Immedietly after the first knock, the door flung open and I was quickly greeted with a: "Hi Oro-kun!"

I was caught off guard at this and I just stood there looking blankly at Tsunade who held the door open. Talk about fast reaction to a knock... was she waiting for me or something? I merely dismissed the thought as coincidence that Tsunade was right by the door when I knocked.

"Um hey," I said.

"Do you want to come in?" she asked.

No duhh. That's why I knocked. "Uhh, sure," I replied.

With that, I entered and was greeted by Tsunade's mom who offered me some food. I declined and said I wasn't hungry, which, infact isn't true because I skipped my breakfast today and all of yesterday's meals and that is alot of meals to skip. But anyways, I needed to get to the main point so I asked to speak with Tsunade **alone**.

It took a while, but Tsunade's mother FINALLY left. Actually, it only took 2 minutes but I'm impatient and kind of angsty right now so I'm the only person who matters. Anyways, I spoke. "Umm, Tsunade... I have something to tell you."

"Yes..." Tsunade said with an anticipating voice.

"Welllll... this is, um, kind of, hard for me to say..." I studdered.

"Yes, yes," Tsunade continued her anticipating voice which was now joined with anticipating eyes. And that made out to give an anticipating expression.

"You see," I continued. "I, um... kinda..."

"Just say it!" Tsunade exclaimed.

Don't rush me! I'm currently sulking inside due to the current bad events happening in my life here! "Well, I kinda accidentally stubbed my toe yesterday..." I replied.

Tsunade's expression changed from an anticipating/excited one, to a disappointed one, and then a concerned one.

"Oh my god," Tsunade said in a concerned voice. "I'm so sorry. I didn't know." She paused for a while. "Are you OK?"

What kinda stupid question was that! Of course I'm not OK! How can ANYONE be OK after a really hard toe stub! "Well... not really," I replied. Then just to add more effect and make Tsunade more concerened about me, I decided to tell her about the other toe stub. "It didn't end there, I was struck by an even worse toe stub afterwards."

"Good lord..." Tsunade gasped. "This is something that should never happen to anyone, especially you. This must be really hard."

Damn right it shouldn't happen to me! "Yah... it is pretty hard," I replied.

"Well, if you want to let out some stress, you can always go to the ANBU headquarters and ask for permission to torture a few prisoners," Tsunade offered. "With your status, I'm sure they'll let you."

I was utterly shocked with Tsunade's offer... without **actually** being shocked of course. "Torture! I definetly don't want to do that."

"Oh, don't take me the wrong way or anything. You don't necessarily have to torture the prisoner. Just let off some steam on them," Tsunade replied.

"Hmm, if that's the case, I'll keep it in mind," I replied even though I wouldn't even think about it, nonetheless keep it in mind... but I wasn't going to tell her that. "And by the way, where did you get the idea from?"

"The internet?" Tsunade tried. I could tell she was obviously lying but I didn't want to force it out of her. So, I just took it for what it was.

"Ok, I guess I'll be going now," I said, turning around to open the door. I then waved a goodbye and promptly left for a nearby restaurant. Afterall, I haven't eaten for two days, and frankly, I'm KINDA starving.

Outside the restaurant were several salesnins just standing there, pretending to mind their own business but really, who knows what they're planning. So, I steered away from them because I KNEW, if I talked to them, I would end up getting scammed of my money. I remember what happened once...

-

"Hey, get your ninja gloves!" A salesnin shouted. "Only 900 yen!"

"That's not a bad deal," I said mostly to myself. "But still..."

"Hey kid," the salesnin said. "How bout I give you a 'buy one get one free offer'!"

"Wow really! Ok then, I'll buy a pair," I replied naively as I paid some money.

The salesnin took it and handed me only one pair of gloves.

"Don't I get a free?" I asked.

"You do," the salesnin replied. "Buy the left glove and I give you the right glove."

"Damn cheapskate..."

-

So, knowing that, I used my awesome '1337 ninja stealth skillz' and got inside the restaurant without being detected by any of the salesnins.

As usual, I was greeted with my nickname by everybody who saw me... which got me really annoyed but I ignored it because I was **way** above name calling... but it still pisses me off.

Anyways, due to some wierd force of nature, I managed to finish my meal AND get out of the restaurant without anything serious happening. Woooowwwww. What random rareness. Thinking that, I began heading home.

Several minutes later, I passed by the ANBU headquarters and stopped. I was kind of tempted to go in, but I didn't. I just looked at the wonderful building which was actually not so wonderful if you ever went inside... unless of course, you're a freak who actually likes seeing bloody torture. However, subconciously, I somehow began slowly walking towards the ANBU headquarters. Step by step I approached it, until suddenly, a random ANBU came out from the building and called me by my nickname.

Why didn't Sarutobi-sensei relay people about this nickname thing yet? Then again, I could imagine it's a difficulty to just tell people to stop calling me by my nickname after they've been saying it for years. Besides, if he did that, I'd have no reason to become Hokage.

"Can thou do thy a favor?" the ANBU person asked in a fake British accent. How could I tell? Because he was Japanese for goodness sakes!

"That depends on what it is," I responded somewhat 'cooly'.

"You see..." the ANBU person began. Hearing the long pause, I figured it would be a pretty big favor. How? It's a part of my 'Orochimaru senses'. The ANBU person continued, "You see, thy beloved wife is in the hospital and I must see her. However, I'm supposed to be torturing tis prisoner and I need someone to cover for thyself."

"So you want me to cover for you?" I said, stating the obvious. But you know, it was to make sure.

"Preciously stated," the ANBU person said. "One would say tis is against the rules, but tis is very important and I shant ignore it."

"Why not," I shrugged. "It'll be field experience for me anyways." I didn't really even know why I agreed, I guess I did it for the sake of doing a good deed... OK, I'll admit, I really wanted to torture somebody, but hey, I have my reasons.

"I greatly thank thee," the ANBU person finished. "By the way, thou's name shall be Uchi Huu for the next 45 minutes."

"Alright," I replied.

"Very well, I shall take my leave," the ANBU person said as he disappeared in a puff of smoke. How did he do that? It wasn't even a jutsu. Oh well, guess it's another one of those ANBU skillz that only ANBU members can do.

I performed the Henge no Jutsu and entered the building. Due to my '1337 ninja skillz' I went without suspicion into the torture chambers.

"Hey Uchi, where were you?" an ANBU asked.

"Uh... thy was cleaning the washroom?" I tried.

"Poor you," the ANBU said. "The toilets and floor there are just nasty. I remember washroom duty once..."

"Right..." I replied.

"Well, your prisoner is in chamber 223... and better get going, your partner, who is named Masashi has already started torturing the prisoner," the ANBU stated, spitting out information for no reason what so ever, but I needed that information anyways so all is good.

"I shall," I responded with the fake British accent.

Once I got to a metal door imprinted with 223, I knocked.

Knock Knock.

"Whos there?" a voice came from inside.

"Uchi," I replied.

"Uchi Huu?" the voice asked.

"Yes, it is me," I said.

The solid metal door opened to reveal a large man with his hair tied into a pig-tail. "Alright, he's all yours," the large man said.

"Thou-self does realize thou words imply an inappropriate meaning, no?" I said, mocking this Uchi person.

The large man just looked at me wierd. "HAHAHA, you crack me up. Well, you may begin."

Damn, he's going to be watching? What do I do? No... what would Uchi do?

"Anytime now," the large man said.

I just gazed at the prisoner for a long while, and then turned away because I realized it would be awkward for both me and the prisoner.

"Hey, I know you were new and all, but you should at least know something," the large man said. "Come on, think of the worst punishment ever and inflict it on the prisoner."

"Oh," I replied easily now that I realized no one really knew this Uchi guy's personality yet. Then I got the best idea ever for a punishment... Muhuhu...Muhuhuhahaha...muhuhahahaha. "I shall give him toe stubs! And also... Paper CUTS!" I said rubbing my hands together and grinning evily as the lights flashed on and off while I said this, adding effect to my evilness.

The prisoner's eyes bulged outwards after hearing what I was going to do to him.

Continuing my smirk, I picked up a piece of paper and walked towards the prisoner.

"God! No!" the prisoner screamed. "Don't do this!"

"Sorry, but unless you give us some information..." I laughed maniacally. "I will do this to you."

"No don't! It's just not right! Please! I'm too young for this! Heck, **you're** too young for this"

I laughed again as I held the paper towards his arm.

"You'll regret it for the rest of your life!"

Ignoring the prisoner, I slowly slid the paper across his arm, threatening to make a cut.

"I swear! I don't know anything! Please don't cut me! I beg you!"

"Uchi, just stop," the large guy said. "Your 45 minutes is up."

"Which clock are you looking at?" I asked, checking the time. "It's hardly 20 minutes yet."

"What you're doing is just unholy punishment," the large guy said. "Nobody deserves something like that."

"Alright, fine," I said as I left the torture chamber and out of the ANBU headquarters. When no one was looking, I changed back into my normal self. Damn it. I was so close to making someone feel how I felt... ewww, wrong choice of words. But anyways torturing people actually felt better than I originally thought. Maybe I should make a hobby or something...

Announcer: Next time, on The Life of Orochimaru...

BG Music: Dun dun dun dun dun, hoo Flute plays

Announcer: What's this? Orochimaru on an A rank mission alone! What's going on! And Jiraiya, what in the world are you thinking! Waging war on the Hidden Rock! NEXT TIME! _'Jiraiya's Revenge: Start of the Secret World War'_

A/N: Well, just to clarify, Orochimaru and gang is supposedly 10 years old. They may seem a little mature for this age but being a ninja does make you mature earlier and all. Besides they're chuunins already so they have to be mature.


	5. A Rank Mission of DOOM

A/N: Arghh, I couldn't really incorprate any funniness into this chapter... so I settled for anything I could fit in. What a a set up for disaster... or is it... muhuhhuhahaha. Anyways, from now on, there is a two year time jump. Why? I don't know. And also, you may notice over use of elipses throughout the story. Why? Once again, I don't know.

_**The Life of Orochimaru:**_

Today was conveniently perfect conditioned for me to do something exiting. The winds blew at speeds of which felt like gentle breezes, the clouds blocked out the sun merely enough to prevent over-exposure, and there were no bad weather conditions what so ever. It was perfect.

However, despite such fabulous weather, I stayed at home. I had decided to waste my ever so precious time -of which could've been spent achieving something productive- for doing something un-productive and more or less utterly useless. Why? I just felt randomly tempted to do such things. One must never deny his instincts.

And so, what did I decide to do that was more or less utterly useless? Practicing my Hokage speech of course. Now, if you are thinking that this isn't the most useless thing in the world, you are WRONG! I have ninety-seven strong points and one hundred twenty-two weak points to prove that practicing my Hokage speech is, infact, utterly useless. So there! And I'm not bluffing, I've spent three full weeks writing points about this. Wanna hear some? I'm not afraid to waste my precious time naming 219 points about why practicing the speech is useless. But since I've already proven my point, I'll proceed to practicing my speech... of which is the most utterly useless thing to do... even more or so than telling you about the 219 points I've compiled.

Anyways, I cleared my throat and began my speech.

"Dear fellow residents of..." I cleared my throught again.

"Dear fellow residents of Konoha! From this day forth, I am named as Yondaime! And as long as I stand... or sit... or even if I lie down... no harm will come to this village. This is my duty from now on, and I assure you, I will achieve to the best of my abilities. And lastly, it pains me greatly to say this, but you can no longer call me... Oro," I twitched a little. "I'm sure many of you have become used to this but it just can not happen. A Hokage must be seen as a leader and a leader must be adressed with full respect. You will thus call me: OROCHIMARU-SAMA!"

I suddenly noticed a jounin standing at my door. Oh my God, how long was he there? He must be thinking I'm crazy, talking to myself and all. Double Oh my God! I was talking to myself! What kinda freak am I?

Then again, lots of people talk to themselves right? Right? RIGHT? Well, I wasn't really talking to myself anyways... just practicing a speech... but would the jounin realize that? Or will he go on thinking I'm a freak?

"Oro-san," the jounin addressed.

"Yes..." I said while gritting my teeth.

"Please report to the Hokage for a mission."

"Alright," I said. It was then I decided to ask if he heard me talking to myself. "Did you hear?"

"Hear what?" the jounin asked.

"You know, 'the stuff'," I said, not relaying too much information because he might not know and I don't want to accidentally tell him.

"What stuff?" the jounin said with a suspicious look.

"You know, the stuff with the Hokage and stuff," I said.

"What are you talking about?" he started to laugh.

Is this guy laughing at me? "Come on, you know, the Hokage and cough speech cough and stuff," I tried again.

"Pardon?"

"Alright, be honest. Did you or did you not hear?" I repeated.

"Don't think I did," he said, stroking his non-existent beard.

"Quit messing with my mind!" I shouted. "Did you or did you not hear? Give a straight answer!"

"I didn't?" he tried nervously.

It was then I realized I coulda just asked a simpler question. I inwardly smacked myself for not thinking of it earlier. "OK, I'll rephrase. How long were you standing at my door?"

"Not too long?" he responded still nervously. Sweat was starting too build on his face.

"And how long is 'not too long'?" I continued to question.

"Um... 2 minutes?" he said.

Ah well, I guess that's the best answer I'll get out of him. "Alright, you can go now."

"Uh, may I ask what that was all about?" he said.

"Sure."

"What was that all about?" he asked.

"It's classified information," I said.

"Oh I get it," he said. "This is some kinda testing... right?"

Damn, jounins take so long to leave. "Yah..."

"So did I do well?" he asked, staying in the same spot he was 5 seconds ago.

"Moderate."

"Is that in the high moderates or the low moderates?" he asked yet another question.

"The high moderates," I started getting really annoyed. Then, I thought of something better. "But you better leave and get back to duty or that high moderate will drop to a low moderate."

"Alright, bye," he said and left... finally.

Jounins **always **take so long to leave. They always want to be sure about everything.

Anyways, I promptly left to see the Hokage. Around ten minutes passed and I arrived at the Hokage's office. I decided to wait seeing as Sarutobi-sensei was talking to a jounin. And since it was a **jounin**, I made myself comfortable and found a chair to sit back and relax on.

I looked towards the botanic plant I had first encountered two years ago. We had become friends recently... but he was still pretty much a loner despite me hanging out with him. But this time, 'planty' looked different... there was something new about him. Then, looking harder, I realized there was another plant beside it. Awww, planty finally decided to stop the anti-social attitude. I knew he would eventually warm up to others.

I was about to congradulate him when I realized the two were having a romantic conversation. Whoops, shoulda realized that the other plant was female. Kinda hard to tell, but now that I look harder, thats one hot plant. Not that I'm intrested or anything, girls aren't really for me... ewww, wrong choice of words... but you better not be thinking anything wierd. I'm perfectly straight... as far as I know... not that I'm against unstraightness or anything.

Anyways, seeing as I didn't want to invade planty's privacy, I looked away. So, now I'm just sitting here waiting patiently for the jounin to finish speaking **to** Sarutobi-sensei. Notice how I use the word '**to**' instead of '**with**'? This implies that the jounin is the only one talking. Yes, as you should realize, poor Sarutobi-sensei is doing nothing but listening to the verbal diaheria. However, I continued to wait patiently.

Thirty-five seconds passed... still talking... fifty-seven more seconds passed... hurry it up... twenty-three seconds later... oh my goodness, that's one annoying jounin... yet another twenty-three seconds passed... This. Guy. Is. Very. Annoying.

I don't know how, but I managed to wait for the extra, seven hundred, ninety-two seconds that followed. Can you believe it? **Seven hundred, ninety-two seconds**. That's a lot of seconds of my life to waste just because of some jounin. And to think I use to look up to them.

Anyways, the jounin at last left and I finally got to recieve my mission. What the fff? It's an A rank mission! I'm a frickin' chuunin for goodness sakes... and I'm doing it alone! However, before I could question Sarutobi-sensei about this, he explained to me.

"Well, I'm sorry for you to be put in this dangerous situation, but you see... well... Jiraiya seemed to have this grudge against the Hidden Stone... and apparently... he got the Tsuchikage really mad... I mean REALLY mad... so basically, we're now at the threat of a World War."

"Oh," I nodded. "So that means you're reserving the jounins in case of emergency."

"Yes," Sarutobi-sensei confirmed. "Though they're really annoying, jounins are the best we got."

"I see..." said I. "So if we went to war with the Hidden Stone, there will commence a multi-chain reaction of which will cause all the nations to join in... correct?"

"Yes," Sarutobi acknowledged. "Your observations skills amaze me."

"Thanks," I... you know, thanked.

"So do you understand your mission?" Sarutobi sensei asked.

"Yes, I am to escort Hasaki Jun directly to the Mizukage within four days. Her protection is necessary to keep peace between our two nations and I understand that there will be high level encounters throughout the mission."

"Very well... even though I know you're only a chuunin, I trust in your abilities," Sarutobi encouraged.

"So, where is this Jun that I'm supposed to escort?" I asked.

"Oh... right..." Sarutobi sensei nodded. "Wait here." He then gave a few commands to his followers, and went back to paper work.

With that, I was left waiting... until a woman... supposedly Jun entered the room.

What the? Holy Crap! This Jun person is like BIG. I mean, huge - no frickin' gigantic. Oh my effffing chickens.

"Is that her?" I asked, hoping it was sooooooooo not true.

"Yah," Sarutobi-sensei said, not even bothering to look at who I was refering to.

"Are you sure?" I said. "I mean look at her."

"Positive," he responded.

"But the only way to escort her to Hidden Mist within four days is for me to carry her right?" I asked.

"Yes..." he said in a 'duh' tone.

"How do you expect me to carry that!" I said pointing towards Hasaki Jun.

Sarutobi at last turned to see Jun.

His eyes widened and his jaw dropped to the floor. "Holy SHIT!" he swore ever so un-Hokagely like. He then proceeded to continuously swear in profane sentences until I finally decided to do something.

I slapped Sarutobi-sensei square across his face.

That seemed to calm him down. "Thanks," he... well... thanked.

I didn't blame him for his earlier reactions... anyone would've done that. All I know is... this is going to be a tiresom mission. I'm not fit to carry 800 pounds.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

A/N: Muhuhhuhhahahaha! I'm so evil... well... not really.

Random Comment: Damn, I_ so strongly dislike_ stubbing my toe. Just got one several minutes ago as I entered my room. Poor me... and Orochimaru... we have so much in common... Ewwww, you people don't get any ideas...


	6. Slapped and Confused

A/N: Thanks for the reviews! Anyways onwards...

_**The Life of Orochimaru:**_

Silent breezes blew through the forest as I traversed through it while carrying the 'somewhat heavy' Jun on my back. OK, who am I kidding, it was the 'extremely heavy' Jun.

"Hey, can't you go a little slower? My hair is getting ruined," Jun whined, completely interrupting my narration of what I was currently doing.

"Sorry, but we have to go fast in order reach Hidden Mist within four days," I replied.

"Well too bad for you," Jun pouted. "I don't want to ruin my beautiful hair."

I immedietly stopped.

'My Orochimaru' senses are tingling.

"Not that slow," Jun complained again.

"Shhh," I shushed her. "Be quite... assasins are coming." With that, I put her down carefully.

"EEEEEKKKK!" She shouted as soon as I put her down. "OH NO! ASSASINS!"

The sudden shrieking caused me to drop the kunai I was holding. Sheesh, since when did 'be quite' mean shout as loud as you can? I tried to calm Jun down but apparently, she was set on shrieking for the next thirty-two minutes... sooooo I just prepared for battle. I reached for another kunai... and... there was nothing.

Oh crap, I forgot, I only brought one kunai to minimize the weight.

I looked towards my dropped kunai which coincidentally, was right underneath Jun... who was in a crouching positon and was hugging herself. This was awkward. I stared at the kunai and hoped that it would magically fly back to me... or at least have Jun move from the spot... Damn fat ass.

Several presences whisked through the trees above... enemy ninjas were already here...

Damn, I needed my kunai. Luckily, Jun stopped screaming, and turned around to see me. "Ewwww! Pervert! Stop looking at my butt!

I was completely shocked. There I was, accused of being a pervert by some fat chick. I mean, who in their right mind would wanna look at... I nearly puked right there and then at the thought. That's just un-god-ish-ly disgusting...

Then, I realized I had to defend for myself. "I wasn't looking at your butt!"

"Then what were you looking at?" she interrogated.

"That kunai under you!" I shouted.

"Oh, nice excuse!... Pervert!" she yelled saracstically.

Suddenly, a sharp pain embedded itself on the left side of my face. Holy shit, did she just slap me? This is just humiliating... I the future Yondaime, just got slapped by some fat chick. Luckily no one's here to see it.

Suddenly, refrained laughing could be heard from the trees. Ah shit, the enemy ninjas...

"Whatever, you can think I'm a pervert but just let me get my kunai," I said in a cool tone just so I could cover up the humiliation.

"Still going with that excuse huh?" She slapped me again.

WTF? Did she just slap me again? This is soooooo not cool. And there are actually people to witness it... But anyways, I had to get my kunai so I tried again.

"Seriously, just get up," I said.

"Why should I listen to a perv like you?" she said.

"There's a catepillar under you," I lied ever so professionally.

"EEEKK!" Jun screamed and jumped aside.

Finally, I picked up my kunai.

"See what did I tell you," I said, showing Jun the kunai.

She slapped me again.

I now had three heavily imprinted hand marks on my face and I looked like an apple.

The enemy ninjas suddenly burst out laughing and they fell off the trees with a thump. Then, the laughing stopped as they presumably knocked themselves unconsious. That was good, but I definetly didn't deserve the slap.

"What was that for?" I asked.

"For scaring me," she said.

"But it was to get you to move," I explained.

"That's besides the point."

Ah well, I sighed and let Jun climb on my back and we were on the move once again.

Hours passed as I continued through the forest. At least, I assumed it was hours. Suddenly, I sensed a presence - wait no, two presences. I could tell they were ninjas but they were not trying to conceal their presence. Infact, they were walking straight towards me. The ninjas came into view. It was two kunoichis (female ninjas if you don't know).

"Who are you, and what do you want?" I asked, copying the ever so popular line used in who knows how many movies.

"I, am Takahashi Suzume, the legendary Sparrow Wing of the hidden mist," one of them introduced themselves.

"I'm Deoderant," the other said.

"We are here on behalf of the Mizukage to help you this mission," Suzume said.

"Very well then," I said politely.

"Why do you look so... apple-y?" Deoderant asked.

"Don't ask," I replied. "Well actually, you can ask but you won't get an answer."

"I slapped him," Jun informed.

This caused the two kunoichi's to come over and slap me. Oww. "What was that for?"

"You probably deserved it," Deoderant said.

I merely rubbed my cheeks as we continued on the journey to Hidden Mist. Luckily, we managed to hitch a ride on a **sturdy **wagon. And so, I no longer had to carry Jun.

"So," I said, feeling social and all. But I couldn't come up with anything so I just left it at that.

Several moments passed.

"What's your name?" Deoderant asked. "Wait, you do have a name right?"

"It's Orochimaru," I said.

More moments passed and I decided to stretch a little. Apparently, my hands went a little further than I wanted and I ended up groping something soft around Jun's chest area... ohhhhhhh damn, this is gonna cause mis-understandings.

"Pervert!" Jun yelled and she slapped me HARD. This of course, caused Suzume to come and slap me. Proceeding after that, Deoderant slapped me.

Not only was it humiliating but it also hurt... ALOT. However, over the course of the next hour, I managed to convince them I was just trying to stretch.

Anyways, I don't know how long passed but it was definetly more than 1978 seconds. I lost count afterwards. But I knew it was far more than 1978 seconds, because everyone fell asleep. So much for being ninjas on Suzume and Deoderant's part.

I decided to stretch my arms again... but this time I cautiously made sure I kept them close to myself. So, I outstretched my elbows a little bit and then I felt pain surge through my left cheek.

"What was that for?" I nearlywhined. I realized Jun had slapped me. But why? I did nothing wrong. There was no reasoning behind this.

"Just in case," Jun replied.

"Sheesh," I muttered.

Suzume and Deoderant apparently decided to wake up right then.

I covered my face.

I didn't want to get two more slaps.

I already looked as red as an apple.

And I mean the really red apples.

And that's red.

"What are ya doing Orochimaru?" Deoderant asked.

I pretended I was asleep and ignored her.

"Hey are you asleep?" she questioned.

"Of course not," I replied almost instinctively. I didn't want to be thought of as an undependable ninja. "I just need to rest my eyes."

"Right..." Deoderant said sarcastically. She came over to me. "I know your hiding something... perhaps a... cough, slap, cough, mark, cough?

Oh my god, they were on to me. "Explain to them Jun," I said in hope she would save me.

"Alright fine," Jun said. Phew. "He was being a perv."

WTF?

I peeked my eyes out to see Deoderant and Suzume's expressions. They looked soooooo ready to slap me.

Girls are scary... no not just scary, insane - heck, not just insane, they were diabolical.

o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o

Many days passed and I returned back to Konoha. I was sooooo glad. My face had been red for the entire trip to Hidden Mist.

Anyways, I reported to the Hokage.

"How was it?" the Hokage asked.

"Mission success!" I responded.

"Good," the Hokage said. "Did you have trouble... well... carrying Jun?"

"You mean that fat ass, erm... chubby..." I was about to say bitch but I didn't. Instead I said. "Bitch." Oh damn. My bad. "I mean girl." I can't believe I just swore infront of Sarutobi. I was sooo not going to be chosen for Hokage after this. It's all because those stupid girls. I hate girls... but my hormones suggest otherwise... I'm so confused.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Random Comment: How can Neji not get dizzy after doing Kaiten? I mean, look at that insane spinning speed.


	7. S Rank Mission of GREATER DOOM

A/N: Alright, there will be three month time jump because I felt like it for no reason. Sorry for the EXTREMELY LONG wait. I'm doing a lot of other stuff like Flash animations, Mugen characters, other game edits, 2 forums, and I do infact have a life outside the cyber world so you can (hopefully) imagine how busy I am.

_**The Life of Orochimaru:**_

Only three months has passed since I recieved my very first A rank mission, and now, I am already taking an S ranked mission. For goodness sakes, did they forget I was a chuunin? Heck, not only that but I was chosen to be the leader. It was like they wanted me to die in battle or something.

I had trembled in fear of what an S rank mission would be like. That last A rank mission alone was barely accomplished, and now an S rank mission? Ok, you're all probably thinking: 'what are you talking about, punk? That A rank mission last chapter hardly counts as difficult.' But, you only think that because you've only heard half the story. Yes, only half... because apparently, a certain somebody decided to skip writing the details last chapter.

But since this is getting off topic and I'm just spamming and trying to raise the word count of my story, I'll stop.

So, I withdrew my attention back to the mission. Our squad was to infiltrate Hidden Rock and retrieve the forbidden scroll of the Tsutaki Clan. We had exactly two days to bring back the scroll. Meaning, we have no choice but to rush to Hidden Rock within the fastest possible time of 17 hours, attempt a hurried infiltration at the maximum time of 14 hours, and return as fast as possible.

Sucks to be me, eh?

Anyways, we soon arrived near the Hidden Rock.

"Kero, you stay here," I said to... well obviously Kero. "When Tora and I get back, we'll hand you the scroll and you just take off as fast as you can back to Konoha."

"Sure," Kero replied.

"Tora, obviously, you come with me," I said.

"Alfirmative," he replied.

With that, we, as in Tora and I, snuck into the village with our amazing skills of which we learned throughout our ninjahood as ninjas.

Twelve hours later, we returned with the enemies chasing at our tails... but not litterally chasing our tails because we don't have one. Since Tora had the scroll, it was my job to defend him until he delivers the scroll to Kero.

So, I stopped right then and waited for the enemies to gather and stop.

"You won't get past me," I shouted in a very omnipotent tone.

"Heh, who are you to stop us kid?" the rock nins asked.

"Well, they call me... Orochimaru," I said mysteriously just to make me seem cool even if it is infront of enemies. "Well, actually," I began after thought. "They call me Oro, but thats besides the point because I strongly dislike that nickname."

"Really eh?" one of the rock nins smirked. "So Oro, you don't like to be called Oro eh? That's strange."

I was way above name calling.

"Aren't you gonna reply Oro?" another asked in a teasing tone.

"Don't make me mad." I warned. "You won't like me when I'm mad."

"Whatsa matter Oro-chan?" they continued. "Can take a little name calling?"

Now I was royally pissed. "You will regret saying that," I whispered scary-ish-ly and started performing seals. "Total Ownage Tactic: Orochimaru's Elite Skillz no Jutsu!" I shouted. Ok, I admit, the name is kinda stupid... but hey, I was a naive kid back then. Anyways, a swarm of chakra surrounded me and then erupted into chakra spears, flying towards the rock nins.

The spears pierced most of the rock nins like a knife through paper. I then performed the jutsu again to finish the last guys off. But apparently, I didn't have enough chakra... ()().

So basically, I realized I would get my rear end owned and handed back to me if I didn't do something quick.

A lightbulb, not litterally, appeared above my head. I could use 'that' jutsu.

I performed a complex chain of seals and focused chakra to my foot. "Heh, if you guys thought that last jutsu was powerful, you're in for something of un-ninja-ish-ly-ed level," I proclaimed. The rock nins seemed to be immedietly frightened.

"What is he?" I could hear one of them whisper.

Man, I was so cool right then. What with threatening all the rock nins and all... too bad no one important was here to see it.

"Total Ownage Tactic: Holy Technique of the Arcane Immortal!" I shouted as I used the chakra on my foot to make a giant leap in the opposite direction of the enemies. I then proceeded to sprint as fast as I can away from the enemies for about 10 seconds. And after that, I got to the trees and began leaping away...

The enemies were probably ever so confused by my ultimate technique. They had no idea what I was doing... heck they're probably still waiting to see what happens. This was the ultimate technique of giving yourself some time to plan and re-organize. It was a flawless jutsu... Ok, I'll admit, I was running away... but hey, it worked and thats all that matters.

Soon, I saw Kero and Tora. Apparently though, they were fighting a rock nin and was having some trouble. So I, obviously, **_had_** to help.

And so, I appeared out of nowhere and intercepted the rock nin's attack with a graceful kick. Or I would have, but the rock nin leapt forward and I completely missed and crashed into a branch.

I looked to my teammates to make sure they didn't see that. Luckily, they didn't because they were busy fighting the opponent. So, pretending nothing happened, I composed myself and stood up. There was a lump on my forehead but I ignored it.

"Hey, I'm back!" I shouted to my teammates. Everyone stopped fighting on cue.

"What?" they asked.

"I said I'm back!"

"No you're not!" they replied.

Huh? I don't think they heard right? I tried again. "I just said! I'm BACK!"

"No. You're. NOT!"

Ok... I guess I'll skip that... "You guys go ahead! I'll take this guy!" I said refering to the rock nin.

"Turtle!" they replied randomly.

What are they talking about? "Go!" I shouted towards them. Fortunetly enough, they finally understood and left.

"It's just me and you bud," I said to the rock nin.

He laughed. "Kukuku. Does a tawdry opposition such as yourself believe that you have the capacity to surmount me?"

"Yes?" I replied not very surely because I wasn't sure what he said.

"This surmise will be the anti-succession to the task of which you are to perform," he stated.

I bet the stuff he says doesn't even make sense when it's translated. For all I know, it could be something like: 'This antelope kills all chickens that performs on the stage.'

I laughed at the thought.

"What preciously does one find so amusing?" he asked.

"Guess what?" I replied.

"A companion of yours is currently under concealment and is plotting an ambuscade on me," he stated, looking to the trees.

Huh? They were? How come I didn't know that?

"A meteor is pre-destined to decend and asphyxiate us all," he said.

Ok, now this was just wierd.

"Oh, I apperceive now, we're all just dreaming," he said again.

Oh my god. Don't tell me. He was just replying to my 'guess what?' with random guesses.

"Well, all your guesses are wrong," I said. "And now, your prize..."

"Huh?" he wondered as I disappeared and appeared behind him.

"Surprise! You're dead!" I shouted. Then, I plunged a kunai straight through the rock nin and all this blood and gore came out which I'm not going to describe because I don't have the capacity to do so. That, and I want to keep the rating low.

Easily enough, and quite obviously, the rock nin dropped dead. And Kero and Tora had trouble with him... tisk, tisk, tisk.

I then looked up to see a hundred rock nins from before surround me... or actually it was more like ten but it was cooler to say I was being surrounded by 100 rock nins than 10. Sure it was an exaggeration but it doesn't really hurt. Besides, it was only a 0 number increase. I mean, 0 means nothing right?

"You'll pay for tricking us back there," one of the rock nins said.

"Uh, it was a joke?" I tried.

"Well, now it's time to pay for the joke," they replied.

Uh oh.

"Oro, I've come to save you!" came a fimiliar voice. Soon, the figure came into sight and I realized it was Jiraiya. Was I ever so glad to see him.

All the rock nins looked at him and laughed.

"Heh, look! It's another 12 year old punk. What's he gonna do?" one of them teased.

"I'll show you my new invincible jutsu," Jiraiya proclaimed as he smashed his fist into his palm. "It's time to kick some ass!"

Three minutes later, Jiraiya ended up getting his own ass kicked.

"Crap! They kicked my ass instead," Jiraiya mumbled as the rock nins stood over him and was quite litterally, kicking his ass.

"Great," I replied. "Ah well, I'll just do the job myself."

Three more minutes later, I got my ass kicked too because I forgot that I had no more chakra.

"Good job, for twelve year olds," they said and was about to kill us.

Obviously though, they weren't going to kill me because I was going to be Yondaime. Wasn't really sure for Jiraiya though...

I closed my eyes and awaited death, but obviously I knew I wasn't going to die.

I felt the knife come down, and it stopped right before it hit. Then, I opened my eyes to see Sarutobi-sensei beating all the rock nins.

"I knew we would be saved," I stated as I got up and so did Jiraiya.

"Then why are you sweating?" Jiraiya pointed towards the cold sweat on my face.

"Its raining idiot," I replied.

Jiraiya seemed to feel the rain come on and nodded. "Oh," he said.

Phew, save by the rain...

Sarutobi finished and came to us. "You guys OK?" he asked.

"Yah," we replied. I felt embaressed to have needed extra help on my mission. But I was glad also.

"Wait a minute," I began. "Sarutobi-sensei, if you're here, whos taking place as Hokage?"

Sarutobi-sensei smacked himself on the head. "Oh right... thats what I forgot..."

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Random Reply to **Super DDT**: I think Neji does spin on Kaiten. That's why he has to pivot his leg before he does so. And you can see him actually spinning at the end. But then again, I could be wrong as always.

Random Comment: If Jiraiya had the power to beat Itachi and Kisame, why did he stop? Sure, you can say Sasuke was hurt but I'd think he would realize that killing 2 Akatsuki members is more important. Besides, Sasuke was mostly mentally damaged through Tsukiyomi and taking care of him would only heal the physical wounds. As you can tell, the only way he woke up was by Tsunade. Then again, I'm probably getting the facts wrong as is just ranting to myself right here.


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